It's The Latest Hollywood Blockbuster!

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RathDarkblade

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Mar 24, 2015
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#1
It's The Latest Hollywood Blockbuster!
(written 15 September, 2004)

Please note: the following skit is only a joke. I'd be horrified if anyone actually took it seriously, much less try to film it. It's just a riff on Hollywood trends. ;) Back when I wrote this, the film "King Arthur" had just come out, and I remember being rather miffed because the film took huge liberties with the Arthur legend and with certain historical and military issues (such as giving medieval weapons to early-Dark-Ages soldiers, etc). So I thought, "Well, if they can get that rubbish into the movies..." and from there, the following skit arose... mwa ha ha. :twisted:

Announcer: Coming This Christmas, Only From Hollywood -

KING ARTHUR II!

No More Mr. Monogamy. He's out to hop into bed!

(Arthur hops from bed to bed to bed - all of which are completely empty. The girls step aside from the bed and do things like punch him in the stomach...)

King Arthur: Oof!

(...uppercut him in the chin...)

King Arthur: Ow!

(...and kick him in the groin, a la There's Something About Mary, all the while accompanied by old Batman sound FX, e.g. POW! ZOOT! KAPOW! etc.)

King Arthur: Yowch!

Announcer: Directed by Quentin Tarantino! Jr.

King Arthur: Gosh dratted bastion, goal-darned fiddling son of a bramble bush, fudge!

(scenes of not-quite-extreme violence. Someone treads in a mud puddle and falls flat on his face. A pseudo-knight rides on a horse and falls off. A musician bangs cymbals together, causing everyone to cover their ears in pain. It is very silly.)

Announcer: And he can also SIEGE!

(scene of Arthur scrounging around in the forest and coming up with a twig, a piece of string and a very small rock, and building - TA-DA! A CATAPULT! (shades of MacGyver). But when it fires, the rock flies straight up and then straight back down onto the catapult...)

Arthur & His Men: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! (they run... *BOOM* + SFX of splintering wood. scene dissolves)

Announcer: But he also knows how to PARTY!

(scene. ARTHUR and GUESTS around fire in Great Hall, feasting. ARTHUR tells story).

King Arthur: So there I was in the tavern drinking last night, when suddenly the most beautiful, lascivious redhead sidles across to me, winks seductively, and says, "My, Your Majesty, what a great big... (pause) ...tankard you have." (pause) So I move my tankard aside to reveal Guinevere, who isn't all that pleased, and I say "May I introduce you two?" and the redhead sneers at me and says, "Who's this wench you're with?" At this point, Guinevere gets up and walks away furiously, and slams the door! So I says to her, I says, "That was no wench, that was my wife." Geddit? HA HA HA."

(everyone in the Great Hall erupts in laughter)

Yesknight 1: Oh, very witty, my lord!
Yesknight 2: Absolutely first class!
Yesknight 3: (in cultured, 19th-century "professor" voice) Yes, most excellently droll, old bean!

(dangerous pause.)

King Arthur: (to Yesknight 3) Who let you in, anyway? I don't recognise you. You one of the enemy? (melodramatical, hysterical) He's a spy! He's wearin' a freakin' wire! AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!

(general melee. Scene dissolves)

Announcer: And if you've never seen him interrogating prisoners... (quickly) Special help, Trey Parker and Quentin Tarantino Sr.

(Scene. ARTHUR addresses a group of wretched, shackled, trembling prisoners)

King Arthur: (yelling) WHAT UP, DAWGS!??! You in a whole heap o' shirt, you know that?!? And if you think I'm kidding... behold my little Torquemada! (opens door to reveal Eric Cartman with whip-o'-nine-tails)

Cartman: (takes a deep breath, very shrill) RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!

(pause. Prisoner 1 holds up his hand.)

Prisoner 1: Why? You're just a snot-nosed kid.

Cartman: (shakes, turns very red; screams a bunch of censored, bleeped-out words)

Prisoner 1: Thought so! (snigger) Go and play with your dollies!

Cartman: (even more shrill) You (bleep bleep bleep!) (tries again) RESPECT MAH AUTH- (but it's no use - no one's even listening to him) Mommy! (runs away)

Announcer: So, if you only see one movie this aeon... you obviously have no life. But come to see this movie anyway! Written and produced especially for boys aged 11-14 and other people whose sense of humour has been surgically removed (like politicians). It's King Arthur meets Something About Mary meets MacGyver meets South Park meets anything else we decide to put in this sentence!

COMING THIS CHRISMAS - ONLY FROM HOLLYWOOD - WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE!

(quickly) Your dreams may not coincide with ours.

(loud annoucer voice again) KING ARTHUR II!

(quickly again) Not coming to any cinema or theatre or anywhere that shows movies near ANYBODY in perpetuity throughout the universe, not even those planets where aliens are so advanced that they can download movies that haven't even been written or filmed yet.

(loud annoucer voice again) Guaranteed to win all the Oscars and Academy Awards this year!

(quickly) Because we bribed all the committees. Mwa ha ha ha!!! :twisted:
 

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