Kesta!? Mallydetta!! Porter see bloker!! (Maskerade question)

[RathDarkblade]

...all right, it's pretty obvious that Christine couldn't sing her way out of a paper bag, and can't carry a tune in a bucket. But my question is this: are there, or have there been, any opera singers who are as inept as that? Just wondering. Florence Foster Jenkins doesn't count, because she was never an opera singer to begin with.

Come to think of it, are there any singers -- period -- who can't sing? All right, I'm sure we can make our own list: Milli Vanilli. MC Hammer. Vanilla Ice. One-hit wonders like Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, Rick Astley, Billy Ray Cyrus. I think we can add Michael Bolton to that list; he doesn't sing, he belts. Any boy band in at least the last 25 years (since Backstreet Boys). And anyone who ever sang a song on any reality-TV talent show ... except, maybe, Susan Boyle.

Then there bona-fide musicians, good folks who can sing, but are not part of the artistic role-call because -- *KLAXON!!* -- they did loads of commercials for crap like Pepsi, Diet Coke, McDonald's, Taco Bell, etc. Do they really need the money that bad? Seriously? All right, Willie Nelson might have. Maybe Michael Jackson, 'cos his dad treated him so badly. But that's another rant...

 

[=Tamar]

You have to define "sing" carefully in such a discussion. For instance, there were lots of people who said Bob Dylan couldn't sing. He pointed out that they were actually complaining about his voice, because his singing was fine - he hit every note properly.

I know a guy who is convinced he can't sing even though he can, because when his voice was breaking, the teacher told him to stand in the back of the chorus and move his lips, but didn't bother to explain why. He sings anyway, but not in front of anyone else.

Sir pTerry found historical sources for almost everything before putting his own touch on it. I don't know anything about opera history but if I were a betting person, I would bet that he found instances of every weird thing he put in M!!!!!, except possibly Greebo.

 

[Penfold]

I think this qualifies; Katie Price (aka Jordan) singing a Brave New World with Peter Andre. The first video is with the digital autotune applied, the second without.
With Autotune

And without.......

 

[RathDarkblade]

=Tamar, I define the word "sing" quite loosely, since I don't want to disrespect people who think they can't sing. If they like to sing simple songs (e.g. folk-tunes), that's great! More power to them.

But when a person becomes professional (or so-called "professional), and yet can't sing (see the Peter Andre video above, and my analysis below) ... that's when my tolerance wears thin.

Penners ... in either video, Peter Andre can't sing. Just listen to him sing the opening verse:

"I can show you the world, (breath)
Shining, shimmering, splendid, (breath)
Tell me princess, (breath)
Now when did you last (breath) let (breath) your heart (breath) decide..."

I've marked the breaths he takes to show how often he stops to breathe. I've been singing for over 15 years, and one of the things I was taught is this: never EVER take a breath in the middle of a sentence, if you can avoid it. Why? Because it ruins the flow of the sentence, and shows disrespect to the person who wrote the words.

Just imagine someone singing the British anthem that way:

God save our (breath) gracious Queen!
Long live our (breath) noble Queen!
God save (breath) the Queen!

...and so on. Or, as so many pop singers do (and butcher the American anthem):

Oh say, can you (breath) see?
By the dawn's early light (breath)
What so proudly we (breath) hailed...

See what I mean? For example, here's an exaggeration of what can happen:

As for Katie Price (aka Jordan) ... oh, dear lord. The less said, the better. Her voice sounds ugly and flat (listen to her go flat on "Unbelievable skies"), she keeps hitting wrong notes ... yikes. Are we listening to a professional, or is this amateur night?

 

[raisindot]

Pterry may have very loosely based Christine on the character of Susan in Citizen Kane. She's a blond bimbo who aspires to be an opera singer and when she lands Charles Foster Kane as her sugar daddy, he builds an opera house for her. But her performance in the chosen opera is a disaster.

 

[RathDarkblade]

Yikes. OK, that makes sense; Charles Kane has his equivalent in Christine's father (who lends Mr Bucket the money to buy the A-M opera house).

Florence Foster Jenkins might have been a loose inspiration, too (except that she was financially secure, and simply hired the places where she sang).

Also, my apologies to anyone who'd seen some good singers on the "[Whatever] has got talent" shows. I only tried to watch the first episode, and after 3 minutes of off-key caterwauling from various people, I couldn't take any more. But I'm sure there are also some good singers there. I just never saw any.