The Amazing Adventures Of Captain Pooh Carrot
- Thread starter poohcarrot
- Start date
Pooh Carrot came back into SW's office with an incredulous look on his face.
"SW, we have a major situation here. I think the Boss has gone gaga. He's completely lost it. He's raving on about about time travel, Quirm-bots and Tescos for Yoko's sake. He's one Ringo Star short of a Fab Four."
"Sit down, Carrot, I have something very important to say."
Pooh Carrot sat down.
"You couldn't be more right, Carrot. The President is insane. He's quite mad."
"So what are we going to do about it? Shall we call the men in white coats and get him certified?"
"No, no, no, you misunderstand me. Everything he said is true. The President is insane because he believes that you, of all people, are the person to save our world from anihilation. Personally, I am of the opinion that you couldn't save your arse from your elbow, but he's the Boss."
"Look SW, correct me if I'm wrong, but if John Lennon had been assassinated in our world, we wouldn't exist, but we do, so he wasn't."
"Allow me to do a little demonstration."
SW reached into her desk drawer and brought something out. It was yellow.
"Watch this Carrot. As the President explained, even as we speak, parallel worlds are being wiped out of exitence. This artefact..."
"It's a duck! A plastic yellow duck!"
"As I was saying, this artefact was extracted from a parallel world that we calculate will self destruct in..."
SW checked the time.
"...seven seconds, six, five, four, three, two, one, now."
Nothing happened for two seconds, then the duck vanished.
"Ha! Two seconds late! You're losing your edge SW."
"That wasn't big and it wasn't clever, you know."
"Sorry SW! Where did the duck go, by the way?"
"Nowhere! It, like the world it came from, no longer exists. Now imagine our world to be that plastic duck and you'll see the deep doodoos we're in."
"But time travel is impossible."
"No, it isn't. It's only impossible if you consider time to be linear. If time runs in a straight line from the past to the future."
"Doesn't it?"
"No it doesn't."
"Oh! What shape is it, then? No, no, let me guess. It's strawberry-shaped isn't it?"
"Now you're just being flippant."
"Flippant? You're laying down the biggest load of bullshit since Bertie the Bull went on a laxative diet, and you're accusing me of being flippant?"
"The President thought you might not take this seriously, so he gave me the power to convince you."
SW pulled a red case from her drawer.
"This is a portable gramaphone player circa 1968 AD. Way before the digital earrings we use nowadays to listen to music, people used to use these to play gramaphone recordings. In fact, all the Beatles and John Lennon music was originally released in this format."
SW stood up, went across the room to a wall safe, and after having her retinas scanned and palm prints tested, she opened the safe and brought out a flat square-shaped object. She showed it to carrot.
"And this is probably the rarest and most valuable item on the whole planet. This is the only original vinyl gramaphone recording of the Beatles still in existence, in mint condition. It's the album which contains the song "All you need is love". The song that gave its name to our Book."
"Instant Karma! Please let me touch it, just for a second."
SW acceded to the request.
"Now I can die tomorrow, a happy man."
"Unfortunately, Carrot, that is a distinct possibility."
SW took the record from its cover.
"Time is like this gramaphone recording. There is one groove that starts on the circumference ie; the Big Bang, and spirals infinitely inwards towards the centre."
"And what happens when the spiral eventually reaches the dead centre?"
"Aha! Then we meet our Maker. Which in this example, the Maker is Decca."
SW put the record on the record player and started to play the third track.
"Now you'll note that the recording is approximately 45 minutes long. Yet I can pick up this arm and move the stylus to a point in time either forwards or backwards from the original starting point. This is exactly how time travel works."
SW stopped the record player, picked up the record and placed it on the desk, then offerd up a prayer.
"My sweet Lord, please forgive me."
She placed her bionic thumb nail and on track five and with great precision, dug a furrow in the record all the way to track three.
"Argh! Sacrilige! You're destroying the single most important Lennon relic on the planet!"
"The President asked me to prove to you we are deadly serious. Do you believe us now?"
"Yes, yes I do! Please don't destroy it any more."
"That's all I need for demonstration purposes. Now assume our time is track five where the scratch starts, and the time in the past we are sending you back to is track three where the scratch finishes. You will see that the line forms part of a radius of the circle. To get to this point at a later time would not be possible, because we can only use time travel to send people back along a radius. Therefore, you will be departing in...precisely one hour and fifty eight minutes, in order to arrive at the correct destination, at the correct time. It would not be possible to send you back in time next month, or even next week, because the alignments would be wrong. However, if you are unsuccessful in your mission, next week and next month will never exist.”
"SW, we have a major situation here. I think the Boss has gone gaga. He's completely lost it. He's raving on about about time travel, Quirm-bots and Tescos for Yoko's sake. He's one Ringo Star short of a Fab Four."
"Sit down, Carrot, I have something very important to say."
Pooh Carrot sat down.
"You couldn't be more right, Carrot. The President is insane. He's quite mad."
"So what are we going to do about it? Shall we call the men in white coats and get him certified?"
"No, no, no, you misunderstand me. Everything he said is true. The President is insane because he believes that you, of all people, are the person to save our world from anihilation. Personally, I am of the opinion that you couldn't save your arse from your elbow, but he's the Boss."
"Look SW, correct me if I'm wrong, but if John Lennon had been assassinated in our world, we wouldn't exist, but we do, so he wasn't."
"Allow me to do a little demonstration."
SW reached into her desk drawer and brought something out. It was yellow.
"Watch this Carrot. As the President explained, even as we speak, parallel worlds are being wiped out of exitence. This artefact..."
"It's a duck! A plastic yellow duck!"
"As I was saying, this artefact was extracted from a parallel world that we calculate will self destruct in..."
SW checked the time.
"...seven seconds, six, five, four, three, two, one, now."
Nothing happened for two seconds, then the duck vanished.
"Ha! Two seconds late! You're losing your edge SW."
"That wasn't big and it wasn't clever, you know."
"Sorry SW! Where did the duck go, by the way?"
"Nowhere! It, like the world it came from, no longer exists. Now imagine our world to be that plastic duck and you'll see the deep doodoos we're in."
"But time travel is impossible."
"No, it isn't. It's only impossible if you consider time to be linear. If time runs in a straight line from the past to the future."
"Doesn't it?"
"No it doesn't."
"Oh! What shape is it, then? No, no, let me guess. It's strawberry-shaped isn't it?"
"Now you're just being flippant."
"Flippant? You're laying down the biggest load of bullshit since Bertie the Bull went on a laxative diet, and you're accusing me of being flippant?"
"The President thought you might not take this seriously, so he gave me the power to convince you."
SW pulled a red case from her drawer.
"This is a portable gramaphone player circa 1968 AD. Way before the digital earrings we use nowadays to listen to music, people used to use these to play gramaphone recordings. In fact, all the Beatles and John Lennon music was originally released in this format."
SW stood up, went across the room to a wall safe, and after having her retinas scanned and palm prints tested, she opened the safe and brought out a flat square-shaped object. She showed it to carrot.
"And this is probably the rarest and most valuable item on the whole planet. This is the only original vinyl gramaphone recording of the Beatles still in existence, in mint condition. It's the album which contains the song "All you need is love". The song that gave its name to our Book."
"Instant Karma! Please let me touch it, just for a second."
SW acceded to the request.
"Now I can die tomorrow, a happy man."
"Unfortunately, Carrot, that is a distinct possibility."
SW took the record from its cover.
"Time is like this gramaphone recording. There is one groove that starts on the circumference ie; the Big Bang, and spirals infinitely inwards towards the centre."
"And what happens when the spiral eventually reaches the dead centre?"
"Aha! Then we meet our Maker. Which in this example, the Maker is Decca."
SW put the record on the record player and started to play the third track.
"Now you'll note that the recording is approximately 45 minutes long. Yet I can pick up this arm and move the stylus to a point in time either forwards or backwards from the original starting point. This is exactly how time travel works."
SW stopped the record player, picked up the record and placed it on the desk, then offerd up a prayer.
"My sweet Lord, please forgive me."
She placed her bionic thumb nail and on track five and with great precision, dug a furrow in the record all the way to track three.
"Argh! Sacrilige! You're destroying the single most important Lennon relic on the planet!"
"The President asked me to prove to you we are deadly serious. Do you believe us now?"
"Yes, yes I do! Please don't destroy it any more."
"That's all I need for demonstration purposes. Now assume our time is track five where the scratch starts, and the time in the past we are sending you back to is track three where the scratch finishes. You will see that the line forms part of a radius of the circle. To get to this point at a later time would not be possible, because we can only use time travel to send people back along a radius. Therefore, you will be departing in...precisely one hour and fifty eight minutes, in order to arrive at the correct destination, at the correct time. It would not be possible to send you back in time next month, or even next week, because the alignments would be wrong. However, if you are unsuccessful in your mission, next week and next month will never exist.”
WARNING! SOME READERS WHO ARE RELIGIOUS MIGHT FIND THE FOLLOWING OFFENSIVE
After getting comments from 3 regular posters about this, I've decided to post it.
Did I tell you I was moving back to the UK soon?
(This is a broad outline of the book. I'm being a bit optimistic in thinking I can actually manage to achieve this, but what the hell!)
A reluctant Pooh Carrot and his partner, the nagging Dot-C, are sent back in time to 1978 to prevent Batty going shopping at Tescos.
Various funny things happen in the past.
Eventually PC and Dot-C are in Batty's house, but PC just can't bring himself to kill Batty. Dot-C snatches the laser pencil from PC and blasts Batty.
Dot-C then shape shifts to become the Quirm-bot, having unbeknown to PC, already destroyed the original Dot-C.
The Quirm-bot grabs PC's arm, presses its time-transporter watch and the pair of them are transported to the parallel world of the future.
Parallel World
John Lennon WAS assassinated on December 8, 1980[/b]
In the year 2020, the US and several European nations simultaneously elect right-wing Creationist-believing governments.
Within a year, due to a stage-managed terrorist atrocity combined with total control of the media, a Holy War is declared on Islam. The individual's right of freedom of speech is suspended along with Habeus Corpus. Anyone daring to question the actions of the government, or be critical of Intelligent Design, is sent to massive "Re-education" camps for brainwashing.
Within 10 years, after Mecca has been obliterated in a nuclear explosion, Creationism has spread to the North and South American continents, Europe, Russia, and Africa. Church goers are assigned positions in the religious police with orders to ferret out any subversive dissent.
Within 20 years, Hinduism and Judaism and all other religions no longer exist and the vast majority of the world's population are Creationists.
Within 30 years, the first Creationist World President is elected, to rule a global theocracy controlled by fear and suppresion. Blasphemy becomes an offence punishable by death, and women are relegated to a role of second class citizens, subservient to men.
It is now the year 3012. The internet has been banned and Television has been replaced by Holovision, beaming into every home in the world the one and only "true" channel. Excessive use of subliminal imagery and sophisticated mind-control techniques are used to promote Intelligent Design, the wishes of the World government and to keep the population in check. All programmes promote religion, but there is one programme above all the others that regularly receives global rating figures of over 70%. That programme is called "Repent or die" which is broadcast daily at prime time.
The programme is hosted by the most famous man on the planet - Brother Sjoerd, a theological genius who can quote any page of the Bible instantly. Standing 1.96 metres tall, he dresses in golden robes with a gold crucifix, short-cropped blond hair and a killer smile.
On the programme, a "sinner" (contestant) has 15 minutes to state their case, while being constantly questioned by Brother Sjoerd. This is what is known as the Statement. Then, after a word from the programme's sponsors, viewers aound the world vote for one of three choices;
a. Death by burning at the stake - broadcast live
b. Death by stoning - broadcast live
c. Repented, so free to go
If a two thirds (67%) majority of the world's population vote for one particular choice, that choice is instantly carried out, with Brother Sjoerd lighting the fire, casting the first stone, or granting an instant pardon. If there is no clear majority, the contestant returns every day until a majority verdict is reached. In the 10 years of being braodcast, only two people have ever convinced viewers that they should vote for "Repented". The first, a stunningly attractive Bolivain brunette who spent the whole time weeping buckets, the second a 12 year-old, cute Italian boy. The longest anyone has survived is three days.
The whole 1978 Batty scenario was an elaborate trap to get hold of a Lennonist to appear on the programme to boost ratings.
Having never read the Bible and not having the slightest knowledge about Christianity, the only way for Pooh Carrot to survive is to somehow convince a brainwashed world, that believing every single word of the Bible as gospel truth is silly, cause a change of world opinion and get a majority of the global population to question their beliefs enough to get them to vote for "Repented".
(with more twists and turns than a twisty-turny thing. And a thousand elephants!)
So what do you reckon?
After getting comments from 3 regular posters about this, I've decided to post it.
Did I tell you I was moving back to the UK soon?
(This is a broad outline of the book. I'm being a bit optimistic in thinking I can actually manage to achieve this, but what the hell!)
A reluctant Pooh Carrot and his partner, the nagging Dot-C, are sent back in time to 1978 to prevent Batty going shopping at Tescos.
Various funny things happen in the past.
Eventually PC and Dot-C are in Batty's house, but PC just can't bring himself to kill Batty. Dot-C snatches the laser pencil from PC and blasts Batty.
Dot-C then shape shifts to become the Quirm-bot, having unbeknown to PC, already destroyed the original Dot-C.
The Quirm-bot grabs PC's arm, presses its time-transporter watch and the pair of them are transported to the parallel world of the future.
Parallel World
John Lennon WAS assassinated on December 8, 1980[/b]
In the year 2020, the US and several European nations simultaneously elect right-wing Creationist-believing governments.
Within a year, due to a stage-managed terrorist atrocity combined with total control of the media, a Holy War is declared on Islam. The individual's right of freedom of speech is suspended along with Habeus Corpus. Anyone daring to question the actions of the government, or be critical of Intelligent Design, is sent to massive "Re-education" camps for brainwashing.
Within 10 years, after Mecca has been obliterated in a nuclear explosion, Creationism has spread to the North and South American continents, Europe, Russia, and Africa. Church goers are assigned positions in the religious police with orders to ferret out any subversive dissent.
Within 20 years, Hinduism and Judaism and all other religions no longer exist and the vast majority of the world's population are Creationists.
Within 30 years, the first Creationist World President is elected, to rule a global theocracy controlled by fear and suppresion. Blasphemy becomes an offence punishable by death, and women are relegated to a role of second class citizens, subservient to men.
It is now the year 3012. The internet has been banned and Television has been replaced by Holovision, beaming into every home in the world the one and only "true" channel. Excessive use of subliminal imagery and sophisticated mind-control techniques are used to promote Intelligent Design, the wishes of the World government and to keep the population in check. All programmes promote religion, but there is one programme above all the others that regularly receives global rating figures of over 70%. That programme is called "Repent or die" which is broadcast daily at prime time.
The programme is hosted by the most famous man on the planet - Brother Sjoerd, a theological genius who can quote any page of the Bible instantly. Standing 1.96 metres tall, he dresses in golden robes with a gold crucifix, short-cropped blond hair and a killer smile.
On the programme, a "sinner" (contestant) has 15 minutes to state their case, while being constantly questioned by Brother Sjoerd. This is what is known as the Statement. Then, after a word from the programme's sponsors, viewers aound the world vote for one of three choices;
a. Death by burning at the stake - broadcast live
b. Death by stoning - broadcast live
c. Repented, so free to go
If a two thirds (67%) majority of the world's population vote for one particular choice, that choice is instantly carried out, with Brother Sjoerd lighting the fire, casting the first stone, or granting an instant pardon. If there is no clear majority, the contestant returns every day until a majority verdict is reached. In the 10 years of being braodcast, only two people have ever convinced viewers that they should vote for "Repented". The first, a stunningly attractive Bolivain brunette who spent the whole time weeping buckets, the second a 12 year-old, cute Italian boy. The longest anyone has survived is three days.
The whole 1978 Batty scenario was an elaborate trap to get hold of a Lennonist to appear on the programme to boost ratings.
Having never read the Bible and not having the slightest knowledge about Christianity, the only way for Pooh Carrot to survive is to somehow convince a brainwashed world, that believing every single word of the Bible as gospel truth is silly, cause a change of world opinion and get a majority of the global population to question their beliefs enough to get them to vote for "Repented".
(with more twists and turns than a twisty-turny thing. And a thousand elephants!)
So what do you reckon?
