The slightly unofficial write-your-own thread!

[RathDarkblade]

Continued from here. Let's kick this off, shall we?

Some housekeeping first: I anticipate that this thread may become very busy before long, so if it gets too long, should we simply lock it and start another? What do you think?

All writing is welcome here, as long as it is:

a) Not erotic or pornographic (we do have kids around here, probably);
b) Your own, so no plagiarism (obviously!); and
c) Not graphically violent or gratuitous (see point a).

Other than that, enjoy! I'll kick us off..

The Tea Song
(parody of "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" by the Eurythmics)
(written 30 May, 2014)

Sweet dreams are made of teas,
Brew am I to disagree?
I travel and look for the perfect tea
Everybody's drinking Darjeeling!

Some of them want to brew you
Some of them want to be brewed by you
Some of them want to consume you
Some of them want to be consumed.

OOOOooOoOooooOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!

Steep your tea bag (brewin' on)
Hold your tea cup (brewin' on)
Don't spill any (brewin' on)
Want some milk now? (brewin' on)
Here's some sugar! (brewin' on)
Have some sugar! (brewin' on)
Don't want sugar? (brewin' on)
Right - no sugar...

Some of them want to brew you,
Some of them want to be brewed by you
Souchong them want to infuse you...
Souchong them want to be infused.

Some teas are made of leaves -
If you use a bag, they're not happy.
I'm brewing the leaf - now I have my tea,
Everybody's looking for Ceylon.

Sweet teas are made of these -
Nurture the plants, collect the leaves.
I travel the aisle, buying seven teas;
Everybody's drinking up something.

Sweet dreams are made of tea;
Chamomile, Chai, peppermint or green.
I travel the world and I plant the leaves,
Drink even if you're not twentysomething!

Sweet dreams are made of tea
Who am I to sip Tetley?
I travel the world while a-sippin' tea,
Everybody's looking for tea cups.

(...and so on...)

 

[RathDarkblade]

So... no replies here at all??? I know this is a new idea and everything, but even a comment like "This idea sucks, go home, you'll never amount to anything" would have been better than nothing at all.

Does anyone wish to participate, or write in, or even comment? If not, then clearly I've been wasting my (and everyone else's) time... which is very sad.

*glumly goes to sit in the corner*

 

[Sister Jennifer]

Sorry Rath, I did read this yesterday. I read lots of stuff on here without commenting though. A bit thoughtless I suppose, sorry again.

I like The Tea Song. The 'have some sugar' lines made me laugh, you mad wee bugger.

I haven't the wit to think up something of my own but I will roundly :clap: for those who can.

 

[RathDarkblade]

It's okay, SJ. Thanks for writing in and commenting! Yes, I'm a fiend for tea, so I like the Tea Song too.

Don't say you don't have the wit to write parodies like this! These are fun, and not very hard. (All right - maybe they're not very hard for me, but then I've been writing since I finished high school...)

For instance, how about parodying "Bad" by Michael Jackson, and writing it about anyone you don't like...? For instance, here's how I would do it...

*thinks*

Verse:
He'll build a wall by Mexico -
If you're not his type, away you go. (Uh!)
He'll make the U.S. great again -
What's wrong with it? I don't understand.
He'll drivel talk, he's a sloganeer -
With him, I will not have a beer. (Uh!)

Bridge:
Well now, he's against the Muslims;
Against ladies now, as well.
So as far as he's concerned, now,
We all can go to hell!

Chorus:
'Cause Trump is bad! He's bad - he's useless.
(Bad bad, really really bad)
Because he's bad - a laughingstock.
(Bad bad, really really bad)
His toupee's bad! It's bad - and orange.
(Bad bad, really really bad)
I would say that he would be quite a cad,
Just a-tell you once again - he's bad.

(etc... feel free to develop it, if you wish! If not, that's okay too...)

 

[Tonyblack]

As I mentioned in the original thread - I have no problem with people posting their writing here - it has been done before. However I'm not really sure that it has always been particularly popular on this board. There again, don't judge how many people are reading just because there are no comments made.

 

[RathDarkblade]

Hmm... but then, Tony, I would like (if possible) to make it popular. The more comments we can get here, the more we can encourage people to write, if they would like to.

Besides, it's fairly innocent merriment (as a certain W. S. Gilbert would put it), so where's the harm? I've been writing for over 20 years, and it's good fun.

The only thing is that if no-one comments, I can't judge whether anyone here wishes to participate - that's all. I think it would be a shame if no-one comments, because there's very few things less dispiriting (especially to a beginning writer) than no comments on his/her work. :|

 

[Tonyblack]

What I mean is that a lot of people who aren't members will browse the site. We frequently get new members who state they have lurked here for a long time.

 

[RathDarkblade]

Sigh. Then I guess, if only a few people are going to read this... then there's no point. Sorry to bring it up...

*glumly goes to sit in the corner*

 

[Mixa]

Oh, Rath! I’m so sorry! This month I’ve been terribly busy (attending to events, conferences, finishing all my classes…) and I totally missed the topic!

Congratulations for the parodies! The lyrics fit and you can very well sing it out loud! :clap: :clap: :clap:

Try to do it yourselves, mates! (I did it and had a great time! XD)

Ok, this is something completely different, a short story of my own I recently translated to English.

It’s called… <<Eos>>

The world still sleeps and it isn’t long until my brother appears. I cover myself with my saffron veil and rejoice the wind in my wings while I stir Lampus and Phaëton among the clouds.

Selene waves at me from her own silver carriage while she undertakes the journey home.

-Are you leaving, sister? –I ask while I wave back at her with a nod. The Goddess doesn’t wait before answering:

-Despite what many people think, Eos, the Night also needs to take a rest to stay young. –and as she speaks a sparkle of light lightens her smile before disappearing.

I take a deep breath and observe the Earth, where roosters begin to devote odes to my rays, and both the forgotten gods of the Olympus and mortals damn my punctual arrival. For some of them dreaming is over. To me this is the most beautiful moment of the day. As I stroke the sky with my rosy fingers, the universe takes a break during which all problems look as if they have never existed. During the brief moments the chaotic day-to-day of life takes a while to recognize the arrival of the Sun, calm and serenity make the world a better place.

Before leaving, I only have time to shed some tears of nostalgia for those who I loved and lost tragically and watch them become dew over flowers. When I set course towards my palace I hear the warm voice of Helios, God of the Sun.

-Thanks for announcing my arrival, sister. We’ll see each other again at twilight.

The aurora leaves with me, the Goddess of the Dawn, and together we immerse ourselves another day upon the horizon’s ocean.

Mx

 

[RathDarkblade]

Thank you, Mixa. Yes, I've been writing such little parodies for years, and I now have over 500 of them. Naturally I make sure that they all fit and you can sing along if you know the tune.

Thank you for your story, too! Greek Mythology FTW! For those of you who aren't sure:

Ēōs is a Titaness and the goddess of the dawn, who rose each morning from her home at the edge of the Oceanus.

Lampus is one of Ēōs's horses, while Phaëton (son of Eos) is the other, and a guardian of the temples of Aphrodite, goddess of love. (Awwww).

Thanks for sharing... brain working in overdrive.... inspirations striking!

As for me... yes, it's another song parody - about the wonders of reality TV. Sigh. Among its wonders are the myriad cooking shows and dating shows (including - gasp! - naked dating); the countless talent shows; the "survivor" shows; Donald Trump's show "The Apprentice" (where he gets to make up the rules, as well as humiliate and ultimately fire people); and finally, those shows where celebrities (or normal people) do really gross things.

For instance, the Australian version (called "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!") recently had a sportsperson lying in an enclosed coffin while rats were released into the coffin and - for extra gross factor - the water level kept rising. And he had to stay there for ten minutes. Why? I have no idea. Possibly to make the people at home vomit in horror.

So, here's my take on this whole thing, appropriately entitled...

Crappy
(Parody of "Happy" by Pharrell Williams
and "Tacky" by "Weird Al" Yankovic)

Verse 1:
It must be mindless, all that T&A
All you thinking crowd, just stay away
Television these days has become insane
Watch it for five minutes and it rots your brain

Chorus:
(because it's crappy)
Twenty-five cooking shows, and not a genuine chef in sight
(because it's crappy)
Then they make something nice, but don't offer you a bite
(because it's crappy)
Nude adults on a date? It's our show and it's really new!
(because it's crappy)
If we watch this, guess what? Then our taste might be crappy too

Verse 2:
I watch some show where some chumps perform
I have seen more talent in my college dorm (right?)
But they all get applauded incessantly
It's about as pointless as a stingless bee - here's why

Chorus:
(because it's crappy)
People who think it's fun to get naked on an isle
(because it's crappy)
Eating grubs, they say "I ain't had some vodka for a while"
(because it's crappy)
You would think they'd go out with their friends, if they had a clue
(because it's crappy)
But I think you've got the point - all these shows are crappy too
(Hey! Come on!)

Bridge:
It's inane - turn it off
It's inane - where is the remote?
It's inane - let's get up
It's inane - I said
It's inane - sucks, really
It's inane - so let's disconnect
It's inane - turn it off
It's inane, I said

Chorus:
(because it's crappy)
Watching this much TV is causing me some physical pain
(because it's crappy)
I don't think I'll keep going -- "The Apprentice" broke my brain
(because it's crappy)
Think I'll blow up my set, then on cheese and wine I'll sup
(because it's crappy)
Now hold on just a minute -- here's an ad; what's coming up?

(because it's crappy)
Now some famous person's doin' somethin' stupid on TV
(because it's crappy)
Laying in a box with rats or surfing with a shark at sea
(because it's crappy)
This reality TV is just boring me to tears - hey, yeah!
(because it's crappy)
Think I'll go ride a bike, and maybe have some fun this year

Come on!

 

[Mixa]

500??? I bow to you, master… Congratulations again Rath… I totally agree with you… Nowadays TV reality shows are a shame!

Hey! I’m glad you liked my story! If you guys want to learn more about Eos and have some laughs have a look here… http://www.shmoop.com/eos-aurora/ The text messages are hilarious

Mx

 

[Mixa]

Hey! We need to bring this topic to life again! Here’s another of my short stories... I hope you like it!

A divine comedy

It’ll soon be Christmas in Florence again. I know it mainly because of the people. They all wear heavier clothing -I suppose the weather has become colder- and are a bit more busy and absorbed in their lives than usual so I reckon they’re up to something exciting.

The square which I have views to, the Piazza Santa Croce, has changed as well. As it is an important part of the historic city centre there’s always fascinating things to see, but these days the square bustles with activity due to the fair.

More than fifty makeshift stalls are spread in front of me, full of figurines, decorating lights, Christmas accessories… And one part is dedicated to the German culture along with other Nordic places. From where I stand I can already see ginger bread, strudel… I wish I could taste them! I’ve spent years trying to imagine their smell and taste. If I carried some precious stones, like other fellows of mine, I’d love to buy some… But no, I’m just a stone statue of a famous guy with an angry face. Maybe the sculptor thought Dante would be angry for never being able to see the glorious cathedral behind him. That’s what I call a “divine comedy”.

Published in the online magazine BLANK

Mx

 

[phalarope]

Oooh, I do like that one, Mixa. :clap:

 

[Mixa]

Comments of this kind are always very welcome! Thank you phalarope!

Mx

 

[RathDarkblade]

I like it very much, Mixa. Well done.

Incidentally, I love the irony of a Star of David at the top of a cathedral.

In 2006, I suffered from a very bad flu episode. On the plus side, it inspired me to write the following skit. I had just finished watching Monty Python's "Meaning of Life" for the umpteenth time, so I thought - what would happen if an entire squad of soldiers had the flu? Would regular exercises have to be cancelled? And from there, the rest developed.

War! What is it good for?
(a short skit)

A general is delivering a speech to a small audience.

General: Well, of course, the army has never been used for political purposes. Throughout its long and glorious history, there has never been a conflict that has been fought for anything but sound military strategy! This is especially true of Korea, the Suez Crisis, Vietnam, Grenada, and of course, Iraq. But America's enemies are always plotting to bring it down. Who knows - they may even have a nuclear bomb planted in my illustrious underpants right now! That is why we will always need a president strong enough to use our magnificent army and may God strike me down (in a non-lethal fashion) were it to be otherwise.

The Hand of God snaps its fingers, causing the General's braces to snap open and his pants to fall down with an amusing "Boi-i-i-ing" sound.

Voice of God: Hypocrite.

Outside the hut, Sgt. Whocareswhathisnameis is drilling a small squad of recruits.

Sergeant: Right you 'orrible lot! Don't stand there gawping like you've never seen the Hand of God before! Now! Today we're going to go marching up and down the square! That is, unless any of you got anything better to do?!? Well, anyone got anything they'd rather be doing?!?

Potter puts his hand up.

Yes?! Potter? What would you rather be doing, Potter?!?

Potter: Well to be quite honest, sarge, Monty Python's already done this skit, sarge. And they done it better, sarge.

Sergeant: Have they now??!

Potter: Yes, sarge. And with respect, sarge, all this shoutin' ain't helpin', sarge. It's bad for morale, sarge.

Sergeant: RIGHT!!!!! NO MORE SHOUTING!!!!!! (in a calmer tone) Now if we ain't gonna be marchin' up and down the square a bit, I 'ope all of you this mornin' don't object to a bit o' marchin' in a straight line, eh??

Wilson: Sarge...

Sergeant: Yes?

Wilson: I think I'm sick wi' the flu, sarge.

Sergeant: You what??

Wilson: I've got the flu, sarge. It's this 'orrible weather, sarge. You know 'ow it is: splitting 'eadache, eyes burnin', throat feels like razor wire, all that business. Wi' respect, sarge, I don't think I can do any marchin' at all.

Sergeant: 'As you been to see the doctor about it?

Wilson: 'E said I was fine, sarge. But I don't feel fine 't all. Sorry, sarge.

Chadwick: (puts his hand up) Er, sarge? I'm sick wi' the flu too, sarge.

Sergeant: You what, Chadwick??! (sighs) All right. Anybody else sick wi' the flu? Ainsworth? 'Arrison? Perkins? Wycliff? Adamson? 'Opkinson? Fletcher? Gilbertson?

They all indicate that they, too, are sick with the flu.

Fletcher: Must be a epidermis, sarge.

Sergeant: Epidemic, Fletcher!!! (quieter) 's a matter of fact, I'm also feelin' a bit under the weather - (back to his usual loud self) but that's no reason to cancel the march!!! (everyone moans) Don't come that one, you pack o' wimps! Bloody army, I don't know what it's coming to... right!!! Everyone, marching in a straight line... left... left... left-right-left... left... left... left-right-left...

The Sergeant and troops march off into the distance. As they do, they sing a song.

(to the tune of those endless "Sound off! One two!" marching songs)

Sergeant: You and I are darn well sick

Troops: We and you are darn well sick

Sergeant: Of this endless marching shtick!

Troops: Of this endless marching shtick!

Sergeant: Matzo balls and chicken soup -

Troops: Matzo balls and chicken soup -

Sergeant: They'll get us back in the loop!

Troops: They'll get us back in the loop!

Sergeant: Sound off!

Troops: Matzo balls!

Sergeant: Once again!

Troops: Tea and soup!

Sergeant: Bring it on home now!

Sergeant & Troops: Matzo balls, tea and soup
Matzo balls and soup!

A gigantic block of raspberry jelly falls on the troops.

Sergeant: (turns around) All right, you pack o' ninnies, who the fudge is responsible for this?!?

A gigantic key lime pie falls on him.

Voice of God: Who said I don't have a sense of humour?

Pan out to see that the soldiers are actually G.I. Joe dolls who were hit by ordinary-sized jelly and pie, thrown on them by a small boy. The boy turns to the camera and gives a cheeky grin.

The end

 

[Mixa]

I like it very much, Mixa. Well done.

Incidentally, I love the irony of a Star of David at the top of a cathedral.

In 2006, I suffered from a very bad flu episode. On the plus side, it inspired me to write the following skit. I had just finished watching Monty Python's "Meaning of Life" for the umpteenth time, so I thought - what would happen if an entire squad of soldiers had the flu? Would regular exercises have to be cancelled? And from there, the rest developed.

War! What is it good for?
(a short skit)

A general is delivering a speech to a small audience.

General: Well, of course, the army has never been used for political purposes. Throughout its long and glorious history, there has never been a conflict that has been fought for anything but sound military strategy! This is especially true of Korea, the Suez Crisis, Vietnam, Grenada, and of course, Iraq. But America's enemies are always plotting to bring it down. Who knows - they may even have a nuclear bomb planted in my illustrious underpants right now! That is why we will always need a president strong enough to use our magnificent army and may God strike me down (in a non-lethal fashion) were it to be otherwise.

The Hand of God snaps its fingers, causing the General's braces to snap open and his pants to fall down with an amusing "Boi-i-i-ing" sound.

Voice of God: Hypocrite.

Outside the hut, Sgt. Whocareswhathisnameis is drilling a small squad of recruits.

Sergeant: Right you 'orrible lot! Don't stand there gawping like you've never seen the Hand of God before! Now! Today we're going to go marching up and down the square! That is, unless any of you got anything better to do?!? Well, anyone got anything they'd rather be doing?!?

Potter puts his hand up.

Yes?! Potter? What would you rather be doing, Potter?!?

Potter: Well to be quite honest, sarge, Monty Python's already done this skit, sarge. And they done it better, sarge.

Sergeant: Have they now??!

Potter: Yes, sarge. And with respect, sarge, all this shoutin' ain't helpin', sarge. It's bad for morale, sarge.

Sergeant: RIGHT!!!!! NO MORE SHOUTING!!!!!! (in a calmer tone) Now if we ain't gonna be marchin' up and down the square a bit, I 'ope all of you this mornin' don't object to a bit o' marchin' in a straight line, eh??

Wilson: Sarge...

Sergeant: Yes?

Wilson: I think I'm sick wi' the flu, sarge.

Sergeant: You what??

Wilson: I've got the flu, sarge. It's this 'orrible weather, sarge. You know 'ow it is: splitting 'eadache, eyes burnin', throat feels like razor wire, all that business. Wi' respect, sarge, I don't think I can do any marchin' at all.

Sergeant: 'As you been to see the doctor about it?

Wilson: 'E said I was fine, sarge. But I don't feel fine 't all. Sorry, sarge.

Chadwick: (puts his hand up) Er, sarge? I'm sick wi' the flu too, sarge.

Sergeant: You what, Chadwick??! (sighs) All right. Anybody else sick wi' the flu? Ainsworth? 'Arrison? Perkins? Wycliff? Adamson? 'Opkinson? Fletcher? Gilbertson?

They all indicate that they, too, are sick with the flu.

Fletcher: Must be a epidermis, sarge.

Sergeant: Epidemic, Fletcher!!! (quieter) 's a matter of fact, I'm also feelin' a bit under the weather - (back to his usual loud self) but that's no reason to cancel the march!!! (everyone moans) Don't come that one, you pack o' wimps! Bloody army, I don't know what it's coming to... right!!! Everyone, marching in a straight line... left... left... left-right-left... left... left... left-right-left...

The Sergeant and troops march off into the distance. As they do, they sing a song.

(to the tune of those endless "Sound off! One two!" marching songs)

Sergeant: You and I are darn well sick

Troops: We and you are darn well sick

Sergeant: Of this endless marching shtick!

Troops: Of this endless marching shtick!

Sergeant: Matzo balls and chicken soup -

Troops: Matzo balls and chicken soup -

Sergeant: They'll get us back in the loop!

Troops: They'll get us back in the loop!

Sergeant: Sound off!

Troops: Matzo balls!

Sergeant: Once again!

Troops: Tea and soup!

Sergeant: Bring it on home now!

Sergeant & Troops: Matzo balls, tea and soup
Matzo balls and soup!

A gigantic block of raspberry jelly falls on the troops.

Sergeant: (turns around) All right, you pack o' ninnies, who the fudge is responsible for this?!?

A gigantic key lime pie falls on him.

Voice of God: Who said I don't have a sense of humour?

Pan out to see that the soldiers are actually G.I. Joe dolls who were hit by ordinary-sized jelly and pie, thrown on them by a small boy. The boy turns to the camera and gives a cheeky grin.

The end

:clap: :clap:

This gag reminded me of a famous Spanish humourist called Gila, very well known for his monologue “Is this the enemy?”. Here you have it with English subtitles available… Enjoy!

Mx

 

[RathDarkblade]

Yep, it's all about simple things that can go wrong on and off the battlefield... and ridiculous-sounding things too.

"We threw the submarine underwater and it won't float... oh, it's a battle-ship?"

Believe it or not, at least one of those things is actually half-true. In the early 1720s, during a short-lived economic boom in England called the "South Sea Bubble", there arose all kinds of companies that wanted to speculate on the new share-market. Many of them were "fly-by-night" companies - they formed up overnight, advertised for investors, took everybody's money and disappeared overnight without doing anything. (Sounds familiar?)

Anyway, one of these companies famously advertised itself as "a company for carrying out an undertaking of great advantage, but nobody to know what it is". Another company said it was going to create "round and square cannon balls for the benefit of the nation". So Gila's bit about the cannons with no holes reminded me of that.

Incidentally, the whole episode was called the "South Sea Bubble" because the South Sea Company, backed by the English government at the time, had secured a contract to trade with the Spanish, who were then very rich because of their strangle-hold on South American gold and silver mines. The South Sea Company advertised itself as a miracle-worker - it said that soon, England could trade its wool and cotton for Spanish silver and gold. It was the purest fiction, but investors bought shares in the company like crazy. Share prices went through £50 a share, then £100, then £200 - and there was no end to the madness. Other people saw this and thought they could cash in - so you got those fraudulent companies I mentioned above, with square cannon balls and other ridiculousness.

Meanwhile, the South Sea Company's shares were rising like anything. They were backed by the government of the day, so investors thought they were secure. The share price broke through £500, then £750, and finally through £1,000. By now, many of the more astute investors (including King George I and some members of the nobility) saw the writing on the wall and started selling, making a huge profit and leaving most of the shareholders in the lurch. The Company's share price collapsed from £1,000 to £100, and though the Company's directors tried to prop their company up, it soon collapsed, leaving thousands of people destitute.

The resulting outrage revealed widespread fraud and corruption both within the Company (particularly its directors) and outside it (including several government ministers and other senior officials). The result was the collapse of the government and the entrance of Sir Robert Walpole, one of the major players in the early 18th century. More than anyone, he proved to be a pillar of strength in restoring investor confidence by seizing and selling off the Company's estates, and using the money to relieve the suffering of its victims. He also got rid of the Company's shares by dividing them between the East India Company and the Bank of England. This helped to avert the financial crisis and to restore confidence in Parliament.

Anyway... sorry to digress, but history (especially English history) is one of my specialties